Apparently, $11.6 trillion just doesn’t scratch the itch anymore. BlackRock has once again scoured the private markets for something new to raw dog into a retirement account, and this time it’s ElmTree Funds… a company whose entire personality is “Would you like a windowless box in Missouri?” If you’re thinking, “That’s not sexy,” you’re right. But apparently, Larry Fink is gonna Larry Fink. 

(Source: X) 

In short, ElmTree comes with $7.3 billion in assets under management and a portfolio that’s basically one giant industrial park cosplay. More than 250 “build-to-suit” properties, all leased to single tenants, spread out across the US like suburban herpes. Payment is mostly in BlackRock stock, with a mystery box of “maybe more if you don’t screw up” for ElmTree’s management. No dollar figure, just the usual “subject to regulatory approval” word salad.

(Source: Yahoo Finance) 

If you thought this was the part where BlackRock slows down, you clearly haven’t been paying attention. The ElmTree deal is just the latest stop on BlackRock’s national tour of “How Many Alternative Asset Classes Can We Force Into Your 401(k) Before Someone Calls The Cops?” In the last year alone: $12 billion for HPS Investment Partners (private credit), $12.5 billion for Global Infrastructure Partners (infrastructure), and Preqin (private markets data, so Larry Fink can track his empire in real time). HPS closed last week; ElmTree gets folded into the newly-minted Private Finance Solutions unit, which is basically a private capital Hydra where every acquisition just spawns more acronyms.

(Source: Bloomberg) 

But, but, but… why does the world’s largest asset manager need a Midwestern warehouse landlord, exactly? Because public markets are about as lucrative as running a Blockbuster in 2025. Passive index funds pay out in pocket lint, and those dreams of charging 2-and-20 for public equities are deader than my athletic career after 30 (Case in point: I’m literally writing this article with two torn hamstrings from… *checks notes*... running to first base in a charity slow-pitch softball tourney… FML.) 

(Source: Giphy) 

But alas, Fink is now on a full bender for “alternative” assets, pitching them as the secret to outsmarting the dusty old 60/40 portfolio. He literally wrote, “The future standard portfolio may look more like 50/30/20… stocks, bonds, and private assets,” in his annual letter, presumably right after asking his assistant to Google “how to sound visionary without laughing.” 

And yet, BlackRock’s not even subtle about wanting your retirement plan to bankroll industrial sheds and junk debt. They’re launching a target-date fund that’s so loaded with private equity and credit you’d think it was designed by a committee of SEC compliance officers on Ambien. The SEC’s Office of the Investor Advocate is “looking into it.” Translation: there’s a 90% chance you’ll be forced to learn what “illiquidity premium” means before you hit 50.

(Source: Giphy) 

On the bright side though, adding a side of private assets to your 401(k) will make you 15% richer over 40 years, according to a June BlackRock paper. Sure, and smoking cloves in college was supposed to be “harmless,” too. But here’s what most don’t get: private asset management spits out higher margins than BlackRock’s entire mutual fund business. That’s the real MO for this entire shindig. Translation: less opportunity for private capital and more Larry Fink would prefer another Hamptons house, please. 

So yeah, that’s the latest BlackRock deal, where on July 15th, Fink and friends will climb on their earnings call soapbox and once again remind everyone that they are the kings and everyone else are just peasants. Meaning, keep your eyes on this story and place your bets accordingly. Until next time, friends… 

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News does not hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.