“Hold up… let’em cook” - every senior analyst yesterday after writing thirteen puff pieces on Tim Apple’s failure to “innovate”...

Every Wall Street analyst just came out of hibernation screaming the same word: supercycle. You can hear it echoing across Bloomberg terminals like a mating call for institutional liquidity. Why? Because according to Counterpoint Research, Apple just dropped the hottest mixtape of October… a 14% sales bump on the iPhone 17 launch (a.k.a., the kind of number that makes analysts forget every complaint they had about margins, China, or Tim Cook’s personality.)

(Source: Giphy) 

For context, the “base model” iPhone 17 outsold last year’s 16 by 33% in its first ten days across the U.S. and China, which means America’s upgrade ADHD finally kicked in. Turns out you can only doomscroll on a cracked iPhone 13 for so long before the consumer debt fairy whispers, “It’s time.” Naturally, Loop Capital went feral on the dopamine, upgrading Apple from “Hold” to “Buy” and slapping a $315 price target on it while Evercore piggybacked with a “Tactical Outperform”. 

(Source: CNBC) 

Additionally, Counterpoint’s data says the base model is “very compelling”... better chip, higher storage, improved display, and a front camera that makes Gen Z kids look slightly less dead inside. The best part? It’s all for the same price as the 16. But, but, but… the even more zesty component of this slapstick moment is the thing Wall Street really loves: services. The App Store is up roughly 12% year-over-year, meaning Apple has turned your phone into the most profitable slot machine ever built. Meaning, Apple’s subscription plans for attention spans is still the money printer.

Meanwhile, in China, the iPhone 17 Air sold out in minutes. Tim Cook even made a surprise visit to Beijing, doing the "Apple loves China” handshake tour while pretending U.S. regulators aren’t breathing down his neck. With that said though, say what you want about Cook… but if the man can sell premium glass rectangles to a country currently in economic purgatory… he can pretty much do anything. Which is why analysts are already projecting 260 million shipments by 2027, up from 238 million this year. Bigly.

(Source: Giphy) 

And yet, this just proves the timeless magic of Apple. Every fall, millions of people line up to tithe another thousand dollars to the Church of Cupertino, and Wall Street calls it “demand resilience.” The funniest part though is that Apple’s up just 5% this year… lagging Nvidia, Meta, and Microsoft… but one half-decent launch week and it’s suddenly flirting with a $4 trillion market cap. Microsoft is presumably punching air right now… 

So yeah… while some are rolling their eyes at the hype, the truth is: when Apple sneezes, the entire market hits “Buy.” And when Cook whispers “upgrade,” everyone’s rent money gets converted into aluminum and camera bumps. And if you think that’s insane, remember… This whole rally started because a research firm said “14%.” Until next time, friends… 

At the time of publishing, Stocks.News holds positions in Meta, Apple, and Microsoft as mentioned in the article.