One time in Boca Raton (where ex–Wall Street traders go to retire, tan, and slowly become leathery) I had lunch with a guy who used to move serious money in New York. You know the type. Rolex too tight on the wrist, tan a little too orange, and stories that sound made up but probably aren’t. He told me something I’ve never forgotten. “Back in ‘06, we were out at these clubs… and the strippers? They owned real estate. Like, actual houses. Rentals. One girl had three duplexes in Tampa.”

Now, I’m not here to judge anyone’s side hustle. Hustle’s hustle. But if you’re renting a three-bed, two-bath in Tampa from a woman named Roxy who only accepts rent after 11pm and prefers singles, maybe (just maybe) you should ask if she’s sitting on a balloon ARM. And if you don’t know what a balloon ARM is, you would’ve fit right in with the people approving loans back in 2007. A few months later… boom. Lehman Brothers vaporized, mortgage-backed securities imploded, and Wall Street collectively reached for the Depends.

I tell you this not because I think strippers are once again the leading economic indicator (although that’s quite a theory). But because we’re doing weird sh*t again.

Specifically, the Federal Housing Finance Agency just decided that cryptocurrency counts as a legit mortgage asset. That’s right: if you’ve got a fat bag of Solana on Coinbase, you might be able to use it to qualify for a Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac loan… without converting it to cash. Let me repeat that: you can now use volatile, barely-regulated, internet money to backstop a government-backed mortgage loan. Cool cool cool. What could possibly go wrong?

The directive came from FHFA Director William J. Pulte, who proudly posted on X that the move aligns with Trump’s vision to make the U.S. “the crypto capital of the world.” Now before you start thinking, “Hey, maybe this is progress,” let’s talk about what’s actually in the plan.

Only cryptocurrency held on U.S.-regulated, centralized exchanges will count. Borrowers won’t need to convert it to U.S. dollars before applying for a mortgage… they can just keep it in its volatile, digital form. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac now have the delightful task of figuring out how to account for that volatility, which is like asking someone to measure the wind with a spoon. And once they’ve cooked up a system that supposedly makes this all safe and sound, they have to submit their risk proposals to the FHFA for review. So yeah, this isn’t exactly a free-for-all… but it’s still a pretty aggressive step into uncharted territory.

Europe just got a strongly worded memo from the FATF, and crypto’s name was underlined, bolded, and probably circled in red ink. According to them, only 40 of 138 countries are doing an even halfway decent job of regulating this stuff. They estimate $51 billion in illicit crypto flowed through bad actor wallets last year… with a large chunk involving stablecoins and, uh, North Korea (nothing to see here).

So let me get this straight: We’re letting people qualify for a federally backed 30-year mortgage using Dogecoin stored on a website that also sells PepeCoin? Look, I’m not saying the housing market’s going to crash. I don’t think we’re in full zombie-loan territory. But I am saying when a government entity that still has bruises from 2008 starts pretending crypto is a stable reserve asset? That’s like hiring a magician to be your CFO. Entertaining? Yes. A great idea? Not so much.

Just remember: last time, we trusted exotic assets too. They just happened to be bundled mortgages with stripper landlords. This time? We’re swapping pole dancers for altcoins. I’d say we’ve evolved… but have we really?

At the time of publishing this article, Stocks.News doesn’t hold positions in companies mentioned in the article.