Happy “Retail traders are still getting shafted Day” to all who celebrate… State Street, the quiet middleman behind half the planet’s ETFs, mutual funds, and “indexing geniuses”, just put on an absolute earnings clinic, beating estimates with EPS of $2.78 on $3.55 billion revenue, up 9% year-over-year. The Boston behemoth now guards $51.7 trillion in assets under custody and $5.4 trillion in AUM… a.k.a. numbers so large they stop being real an...
Even at 175 years old, American Express hasn’t aged a day when it comes to selling aspiration. The company posted another strong quarter, beating Wall Street’s forecasts thanks to a rush of new sign-ups for its refreshed Platinum card and steady consumer spending across nearly every category. For a brand built on appealing to high-end customers, the strategy seems to be working as well as ever. For the third quarter of 2025, Amex reported earnings per share of $4.14, up 19% fro...
“I’m fast as f*k boi…” - Tim Apple, probably… So it appears that Apples is about to own even more of our weekends. The company just dropped $750 million for the exclusive U.S. streaming rights to Formula 1, starting in 2026. Meaning, ESPN’s out… and Apple TV+ is in baby. And every time Max Verstappen overtakes someone, Tim Cook will quietly make another mortgage payment on your soul. (Source: Giphy) In short, this is a f...
GLP-1 Drug Lords: “Sure, sales cooled off, but we’re still running the hottest block in pharma.” Trump: “Not for long, Slim.” During a Thursday press conference that was supposed to be about IVF treatments, Trump randomly dropped a grenade: “Those (weight-loss drugs) are going to be $150 out of pocket.” Translation: “Hey Novo, remember charging nearly a grand for Ozempic? Yeah, those days are over.” Logically, the announcement...
Just me, or does David Ellison seem like the kinda guy who calls his dad when he can’t find the remote… in his own house… Warner Bros. Discovery just told Paramount Skydance “thanks, but we’re good” after getting hit with a takeover offer so low even CNN’s ratings felt bad for it. Paramount reportedly threw out a bid around $20 per share, which WBD CEO David Zaslav promptly rejected while polishing his “we made ‘Barbie’”...
Rayonier and PotlachDeltic just put the “wood” in Barry Wood… Rayonier and PotlatchDeltic are merging in an all-stock deal worth $8.2 billion, creating the second-largest publicly traded timber and wood products company in North America… a phrase that sounds less sexy than it is lucrative. The combined giant will control 4.2 million acres of timberland across 11 U.S. states and seven manufacturing plants. Rayonier shareholders get 54%, PotlatchDeltic gets 46%, and to...
“Last night took a L, but tonight I’ll bounce back…” That Big Sean lyric was basically the soundtrack on Wall Street today… blaring from every trading desk and basement portfolio with one lonely share of Amazon. After Friday’s $2 trillion bloodbath… the kind that gave everyone flashbacks to Liberation Day (aka when the only thing liberated was our profits)... the market came out Monday ready to throw hands. The Dow marched 621 points higher (1....
Well, the U.S. Army just announced something called the “Janus Program,” which, despite sounding like Tony Soprano’s least stable relative, actually has nothing to do with mob family drama… and everything to do with sticking micro nuclear reactors on military bases across America. I guess diesel generators are officially out, like skinny jeans and good sounding pop music (someone had to say it). And the second the news dropped, you could practically feel the vibra...
Somewhere in the internet void, a Youtuber’s already making a thumbnail that says: “EXPOSED: Trump’s Ban on Chinese Oil = MAGA Nonstick Pan Drop Incoming.” President Donald Trump is back on the trade war beat… and this time, he’s threatening to ban (shakes head out of disbelief) Chinese cooking oil. I guess you could say he’s tired of greasing China’s wheels. After Beijing stopped buying U.S. soybeans, Trump accused China of committing a...
Johnson & Johnson (NYSE: JNJ) is in discussions to acquire Protagonist Therapeutics, Inc. (NASDAQ: PTGX), according to reports from The Wall Street Journal and Reuters. The potential acquisition would expand Johnson & Johnson’s pipeline in oncology and immune-mediated diseases, while deepening its existing partnership with Protagonist. While terms have not been finalized, people familiar with the matter said the deal could value Protagonist above its current market capitalizatio...
“Look how they massacred my boy.” -Don Corleone -me when I opened up my brokerage account today Hey Mom, remember when I said I wanted to time travel like that Carmen Sandiego game on Windows 99? I didn’t mean back to Trump’s Liberation Day. But here we are… tariffs in the air, markets twitching, and that same “something smells not great” vibe the guy behind me on a plane once said after I opened my beef jerky (true story). Let’s g...
What could possibly go wrong? The man who single-handedly gave p*rn a whole new meaning (read: Palmer Lucky, inventor of Oculus), is back on his BS. This time, his new bank, Erebor (named after the dragon in the Hobbit who hoards gold under his mountain) just got the government’s blessing to handle crypto. Meaning, Erebor is officially the most degenerate second federally chartered crypto bank in U.S. history. (Source: Giphy) In short, the OCC handed out the condit...
“Talk dirty to me…” Sam Altman finally said the quiet part out loud: OpenAI isn’t your pastor. After months of moral grandstanding from regulators and think pieces about “synthetic intimacy,” Altman told the internet this week that his company is “not the elected moral police of the world.” Translation: ChatGPT’s about to start saying yes to things your high school guidance counselor wouldn’t. (Source: Giphy) I...
You might be Dwight Schrute-level good at selling ice to Eskimos, but you’ll never sell the future quite like Marc Benioff… Salesforce stock is up 4% today after Marc Benioff pulled the classic “don’t worry, Mom… sure, I’ve got $100k in student loans and a performance arts degree, but one day I’ll be taking Leonardo DiCaprio’s job” routine. Fresh off Monday’s AI voice customer service meltdown that had big Jeb Bush “pl...
Stablecoin issuer Paxos briefly became the world’s most powerful central bank this week… by accident. The company behind PayPal’s dollar-backed stablecoin PYUSD mistakenly minted $300 trillion worth of tokens during an internal transfer on Wednesday before quickly identifying and deleting the error. The company said there was no security breach and no customer impact, calling the incident a “technical error” that was resolved within minutes. The transaction,...
“You look like you’re panicking.” -Nestle HR “Now I am! I’m panicking! Because I’m gonna lose my job!” -every single person inside Nestle headquarters Philipp Navratil kicked off his first all-hands at Nestle like a game show host: “Welcome to Who Wants to Keep Their Job?!” Spoiler: 16,000 didn’t make it to the bonus round. Shares of the Swiss food conglomerate rocketed nearly 9% after new CEO Philipp Navratil (aka &ldqu...
Morgan Stanley (NYSE: MS) and Bank of America Corporation (NYSE: BAC) both reported third-quarter results that exceeded analyst forecasts, driven by surging trading activity and a sharp rebound in investment-banking revenue. Morgan Stanley reported total revenue of $18.2 billion, well above the $16.6 billion average analyst estimate. The firm’s stock-trading unit delivered a standout performance, with equity-trading revenue rising 35% year-over-year to $4.12 billion, topping both intern...
I think it’s pretty safe to say that Michael Saylor probably isn’t checking Twitter today… Because right now, somewhere in Puerto Rico, Schiff is shirtless, glistening in coconut oil, perched atop a mountain of bullion, whispering, “digital gold my ass,” while scheduling his 14th “#TOLDYOUSO” post of the day. After a promising start to “Uptober,” Bitcoin lost its footing and belly-flopped back under $112K… officially enterin...
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